Phases

It’s time for a deeper post. I was just thinking the other day about my journal and how on the surface it is. It doesn’t dig that deep at all and I think it’s mainly because I don’t want to give people that aren’t in my immediate circle access to what’s going on in my head and my heart.

My circle of friends, as small as it was, has dwindled quite a bit. Some of it can be chocked up to following different paths, some of it is because some guys and girls can remain homies for only so long before their significant others and yours are not having that level of closeness anymore. As life goes on day by day I’m happy with where I am and other times I feel so lost. I feel like I go by the seat of my pants too much at times. Was I supposed to be scouting for my true love since I was 14? That worked for some of my friends and now they’ve been married longer than any relationship I’ve had.

I try and try not to compare my life to others and to remember the words, “in due time”, but in due time is starting to get to me. I believe in and have full trust in God and that He has a plan for my life. He knows my desires, wants, goals, and He has not failed me. But yes, at times I have my doubts and right now is one of them. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100 percent either way because you’re always shifting and changing. I know this is true for me. I try not to have regrets and do what makes me happy or what I feel is a good path for me. If more positive things come because of it, well that’s great.

It’s tough being raised to be an independent woman and person. To remember not to count on anyone but yourself. But how does that fit into a relationship? I don’t want to ever lose my identity because I’ve done that before and it was definitely the wrong way to go.

It’s just hard to understand that what you want, you can’t have. Things work themselves out and they are out of your control. You can’t force relationships, friendships or otherwise. I feel like Charlotte from Sex and the City when she said, “I’ve been dating since I was 15, where is he?!”.

Partly this has been on my mind for a while. Also, my sister in law is pregnant with her second child, my friend Sarah from high school is pregnant too and will pop at any moment ;), my other friend Linsei is pregnant with her third child, etc. The list goes on and on. But like I said at times I want to be a mom right this second and at other times I cherish my independence so much, I don't think I'll ever let it go. Not that you have to but I hope you understand what I'm saying. Your identity changes, you are no longer just you, you have added another title of mother and hopefully wife as well.

So much running through my head.